So, I’m four weeks on from my last post (sorry, I haven’t committed to any regular times for posts) about going back to work and I’ve reached a conclusion. It sucks.
In case my boss is reading, it’s not the work that sucks. I enjoy my job (most of the time) and I can’t find any fault with the support they’ve given me over the last few months. What sucks is not being able to see my girls as much as I had been able to and following recent developments, this has got harder.
When I went back to work, the plan was that my wife and I would visit the hospital on alternate days so the girls always had a visitor, even if it was only a short visit by me. It was also reassuring with one of us seeing them each day that the other would know how they were doing and we’d have some comfort with that. This plan worked fine for a week or so but then work commitments meant I wasn’t always able to visit on my days and we’d have to be satisfied with receiving updates from the nurses looking after them. This adjustment was really hard and I began to feel guilty for not being able to find the time to visit the hospital in between resting, eating and working. I know it wasn’t physically possible to visit everyday anyway but I’m their Dad and I should be able to be there for them even if it is just to tell them what i’ve done for the day.
What’s harder than not seeing both of them every other day or so? Not being able to see both of them at the same time. One of tmy girls was discharged and allowed home at 4 months of age, or after 112 days of only seeing hospital ceilings. With one girl at home and the other in hospital approximately 40 minutes away, the practicality of visiting every other day just doesn’t exist when work is thrown in to the mix.
When I do manage to find time to visit the hospital, I am overcome by a feeling of guilt for not being there as much as I have been and I wonder if she notices that I’m not there as much. The unfortunate cycle to this is that being in the hospital at the moment makes me want to be there even less and I find that even calling the unit to check on how she is can be too much.
It is also incredibly hard to see one of my daughters at home doing all the things a 2 week old term baby would do, when her twin sister is still connected to ventilation support, in a hospital and on her own for most the day. It stings as well when strangers want to have a look at the tiny baby and automatically presume, with sound logic, that she’s a singleton baby. I feel obliged to tell everyone who asks that she has a sister and that her sister is still in hospital because whilst she may not be with us in person, I can never forget one of my daughters and I don’t want anyone else too either.
Occasionally, part of me wonders if it would have been better to insist on them both remaining in hospital for as long as possible? At least I’d be able to see them together and spend the same amount of time with each of them. No, I don’t think it would have been better. Perhaps it would have been easier for me but seeing how much of a difference their is in the one that is at home and my wife, it wouldn’t have been fair on them. We walked along a canal yesterday and at 4 and half months old, it was the first time my daughter had heard geese, seen a blue sky with whispy white clouds (as well as baby can anyway) and eaten somewhere that wasn’t a hospital or at home.
I don’t know if there’s supposed to be any advice coming from this post – I can’t find any and perhaps I just needed to get this off my mind (that might explain the random thought process I appear to have typed). Maybe what I would say is that if you ever find yourself in a position to take one of your babies home, even if that means leaving their brothers or sisters in the hospital, don’t just consider what the impact would be for you; think about your partner and how much your baby could thrive on being exposed to new surroundings and stimuli.
The First 6 Weeks 