We had always anticipated our girls being in NICU, or maybe even SCBU, for at least a couple of weeks when they were born as this seems to be the norm with twins and we had a feeling that they would be born around the 32-34 week mark anyway. With this in mind, I had intended to wait until they were at home before taking my paternity leave. We didn’t really have a plan for what I would do with regards to work when they arrived so early.
My initial plan, which I stuck to, was to continue working while the girls were in NICU because my wife would be able to be with them and keep me updated. When I say “continue working”, what I mean is that my employer was fantastic about the situation and allowed me to manage my workload and time to enable me to work from home, the hospital and sites local to the hospital so that I was never far from either the girls or my wife.
This worked out fine until around the third week when the honeymoon period, which I’ve mentioned before, seemed to come to a pretty abrupt end with one of the girls and she started having severe difficulty with her breathing. You could say that fortunately I had leave planned for the following week anyway and so in my head I had planned to have the week off and then I would return to work as normal after my leave.
Whilst I was on leave I came to the realisation that my insistence to work for those first few weeks was a way of trying to hide from the fact that I was not OK with the situation. As the week went on this became more apparent and it turns out that neither my wife or I was prepared for me going to back to work. After having met with both a midwife and my GP, I was signed off for a further 4 weeks with the option to extend it if I felt it necessary.
I appreciate that not everyone’s circumstances or employer would allow them to change the way they work or take time off, but that’s not the point of this topic. The point is that you may not realise just how much time you need off to come terms with the situation you now find yourself in. I started back at work, full time, following the end of my 4 weeks of sick leave and having been very close to my family for 7 and half weeks since their birth. For those counting, I worked for the first 2 and half weeks after their birth, then had a week of annual leave (which I’d booked previously to watch the Olympics) followed by a further 4 weeks of sick leave.
So, was I ready to come back to work? That seems to depend on the day I ask myself the question. The first couple of days were fine and I enjoyed stopping by the hospital on the way home even if it was only for an hour or two. But now, at the end of my first week, I find myself using work as a distraction from the fact that I miss my daughters and not being able to spend as much time with them as I have been is really hard. An easy solution to this would be to stay for more than one or two hours in the evening, but then that compromises my ability to look after myself in terms of eating, drinking and sleeping which I’ve already established is an important part of me being there for them in the long term.
Some people have questioned why I am back at work and whether I could extend my sick leave further. Yes, I probably could have, but I think the truth is that my employer has been totally understanding of my situation and I wouldn’t want to be perceived as taking advantage of my situation. Additionally, my daughters are stable and whilst one of them isn’t doing great she is still pretty stable. Or maybe I’m just trying to justify my decision to myself.
Perhaps I wasn’t ready to come back, not fully at least, but my wife is able to spend time with my daughters and keeps me updated with pictures, videos and messages throughout the day. Whilst this doesn’t substitute being with my girls, I know they are stable and that the nurses looking after them are there to make sure they do as well as they can.
When it comes time for you to go back to work, whether or not you’ve taken your paternity leave, seriously consider the strain that being away from your baby might put you under. Also consider how your partner will feel about you returning to work and whether you feel they are ready to be without you. There’s never going to be a perfect time for you to return to work, at least not until you know your baby is safe at home, and it’s not possible to know when that will be. If, like me, you select a date in advance to return, there is no guarantee that you will have picked a day when you feel able to return.
I would suggest speaking to your employer in the first instance to make sure they are aware of the situation and ask if they would be willing to accommodate some temporary changes to your working life, like working from home if that’s more convenient, to help you spend time with your baby. If you don’t think that would be sufficient, consider speaking to your GP if you feel you would benefit from being off work for a period of time. Even if it is just until they get to a point where they are more stable.
On the whole, and given the circumstances, I think returning to work was the right thing for me to do at this point. For now though, I will be spending the weekend at the hospital and bracing myself for another week of work and worrying on Monday. Perhaps I’ll do a follow up after the next couple of weeks to assess how I’ve felt being back at work for a few more weeks.
The First 6 Weeks 